Musings of an Overthinker

“We accept the love we think we deserve”

Wed, 15 May 2013 23:38:15 -0700

“We accept the love we think we deserve”

"Tyger Tyger, burning bright, In the forests of the night; What immortal hand or eye, Could frame..."

Mon, 13 May 2013 19:14:52 -0700

“

Tyger Tyger, burning bright,
In the forests of the night;
What immortal hand or eye,
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies.
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand, dare seize the fire?

And what shoulder, & what art,
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand? & what dread feet?

What the hammer? what the chain,
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? what dread grasp,
Dare its deadly terrors clasp!

When the stars threw down their spears
And water’d heaven with their tears:
Did he smile his work to see?
Did he who made the Lamb make thee?

”

- William Blake

so, this song is from the movie Dakota Skye. not a well known...

Fri, 10 Aug 2012 23:10:00 -0700

so, this song is from the movie Dakota Skye. not a well known song at all, especially since it took me so long to find it.

there have been in my life, some songs or movies, sometimes pieces of art, a certain place maybe or even specific people, which are so powerful that i can physically feel an ache inside my chest. i’ve tried many times to put the feeling in words, but it never sounds quite right. but, the most fascinating part about it is that it’s a FEELING. i can physically feel a hollowing right under my chest, seemingly coming from the most central part of my body. it feels almost like a soar muscle that maybe if you could reach it you would massage it, but you can’t. so instead, you breathe into it, maybe you cry, but somehow you have to give in to the feeling with a particular emotion, it might be elation, joy, laughter, submission, anger, sadness, helplessness, regret, appreciation, love… i don’t know. but the initial feeling is the same.

i’m pretty sure i live my life waiting for these moments. like a drug addict waiting for their next hit. if i get too consumed in the monotony of my life i think i go searching for it frantically…

a few weekends ago, in passing, i mentioned to my friend that...

Thu, 19 Jul 2012 23:05:48 -0700

a few weekends ago, in passing, i mentioned to my friend that i’ve always wanted to sleep on the beach. you know, under the stars, with the sound of the waves crashing in the background. it sounds like it would be amazing. quickly she suggested, “let’s do it. tomorrow.”

so began the fastest camping preparation process you have ever seen in your life. a few hours before heading to black’s beach in san diego, we made a stop at the grocery store to buy food, lighter fluid, flashlights, and wood, among other things. there were 5 of us dedicated to staying over night, and looking back on it, any one of us could have thrown up a red flag and swept in with the endless list of reasons why this idea wasn’t going to work. our plan was so fragile that just a little bit of common sense might have swayed us. however, i must say i was pretty impressed with the blind dedication of all involved.

for me this experience was well overdue. back as far as i can remember my mother made it very clear that i was never to do adventurous activities in nature. now, might i add, to her, an ‘adventurous activity in nature’ also included holding the neighbors cat. the day she caught me in that act she forced me to strip down in the garage, hosed me down and sent me straight up to the shower. additionally, she was also deathly afraid of ticks. she had been bitten by one in the past and now believed them to be everywhere. literally. once, at the age of 7 or 8, while playing at a friends house my mom spotted a black spot on my neck and was CONVINCED that it was a tick. she implored me not to touch it, called my father and rushed me to the doctor’s office at 1:00 am. after the doctor explained to me that he could either burn or freeze the tick off, he suggested that he might try to just pull it off with tweezers. now, imagine - my parents hovering over me while i’m becoming increasingly more terrified of the prospect that a bug is about to come out of my neck, the doctor latches on to the black spot and as he pulls it, it stretches out like a pink string, snapping as it gets longer. it turns out, it was not a tick at all, it was gum. -______-

so, as you can see, when it comes to nature, i have led a pretty sheltered lifestyle. i’d always wanted to be outdoorsy, it just wasn’t in the cards. but this, THIS was my chance to play catch up. yet, as you have probably guessed by now, i was a little scared. and as it started to get darker and there was not a sole in sight on the beach i became even more scared. it also didn’t help that a few drunken wanderers approached our camp at one point and loitered around creating unnecessary anxiety. nevertheless, around midnight my night vision began to kick in and so did my courage.

it sounds silly, but in the morning, i felt like a stronger person. one of us mentioned that this experience could be the plot for an indie ‘coming-of-age’ film with a profound life lesson to be learned. i believe the lesson of our story is one i seem to find more and more awe-inspiring every time i experience it: any idea, with unwavering support, by just a few people, can be brought to fruition. furthermore, the best things in life require that you break the rules, face your fears and channel your youthful, stubborn, seize-the-day mentality.

i will be forever changed and this night will be forever illuminated…

(photo credit to M.Conway)

"like accolades ought to be, the fulfilled life is a consequence, a gratifying byproduct. it’s what..."

Mon, 09 Jul 2012 15:19:58 -0700

“like accolades ought to be, the fulfilled life is a consequence, a gratifying byproduct. it’s what happens when you’re thinking about more important things. climb the mountain not to plant your flag, but to embrace the challenge, enjoy the air and behold the view. climb it so you can see the world, not so the world can see you. go to paris to be in paris, not to cross it off your list and congratulate yourself for being worldly. exercise free will and creative, independent thought not for the satisfactions they will bring you, but for the good they will do others, the rest of the 6.8 billion–and those who will follow them. and then you too will discover the great and curious truth of the human experience is that selflessness is the best thing you can do for yourself. the sweetest joys of life, then, come only with the recognition that you’re not special. because everyone is.”

- david mccullough jr., an english teacher at wellesley high school in massachusetts

i can’t seem to find out too much about who made this...

Fri, 29 Jun 2012 17:12:12 -0700

i can’t seem to find out too much about who made this film, but it has a powerful message.

this video is of Charlie Todd who causes bizarre, hilarious, and...

Wed, 27 Jun 2012 18:56:10 -0700

this video is of Charlie Todd who causes bizarre, hilarious, and unexpected public scenes like seventy synchronized dancers in storefront windows, “ghostbusters” running through the New York Public Library, and the annual no-pants subway ride. at TEDxBloomington he shows how his group, Improv Everywhere, uses these scenes to bring people together.

i thought this was really phenomenal because i really enjoy installation and performance art. the idea of something like Improv Everywhere makes us realize that instilling happiness in peoples lives unexpectedly is IMPORTANT. it is important to look up and notice the world around you, yes, this means you will probably notice the hardships and misfortunes around you, there are plenty. but you will also notice things that are funny, amusing and joyful. and it refocuses us to realize that the ‘play’ of life is not always a drama, we can make it a comedy every once in a while! :) [yes i know it was cheesy but… i’m on a roll here]

The Trader Joe's Identity

Wed, 27 Jun 2012 18:45:00 -0700

so i’m still getting a hang of this blog thing and managing my time well enough to post consistently. working out the kinks people, bare with me.

yesterday, i was going about my normal nightly routine - went to the gym then drove to trader joe’s to do my grocery shopping for the week. every time i go to trader joe’s i revel in how much i love that place. yesterday in particular the cashier and i got into a conversation about the ‘regulars’. the cashier mentioned this homeless man, who i remember vividly from going to school nearby, who comes into trader joe’s almost everyday. apparently he is actually not homeless at all, but a painter who has a lavish home in the valley but never goes there because he believes the valley is trying to kill him. so, instead he roams around westwood and spends, apparently, quite a bit of time in trader joe’s. it reminded me of that experiment with Joshua Bell, the famous violin player, who played in the subway and pretty much no one noticed and everyone treated him like a poor street performer. I had seen this homeless man almost every time i visited westwood in the past 7 years and never really knew his story. it made me feel a little guilty, i’m not going to lie. However, i digress, the fact that i had this conversation with the cashier was yet another confirmation of how much i love trader joe’s.

a few weeks back one of my bosses posed this question to me about what brands did i feel like defined my identity, and so much so that i would feel offended if someone said something bad about the brand. after a lot of thought i finally said trader joe’s. then out of curiosity i went around the office asking other people the same question. remarkably a few other people ALSO said trader joe’s! Some people said Apple and there was some mention of car brands (BMW, Mercedes-Benz).

it got me thinking though, the reason that trader joe’s actually makes me feel like it is part of my IDENTITY is because it is the perfect intersection of exclusivity and community. because for something to make me feel like it really defines me i want it to both be DIFFERENTIATING and have enough of a following where by associating with it i feel part of a certain GROUP. and as Apple becomes more and more mainstream and more and more people have iPhones and MacBooks the less i feel like i am part of an exclusive community.

but in general it got me thinking about brands and identity and how close we really feel to brands and what that says about us, and if we latch on to them almost as a way of advertising certain shared characteristics to the rest of society. i’d be interested to hear about what brands other people felt defined their identity? hmm…

UPDATE: here is an article i saw that is related to this topic, very interesting. http://finance.yahoo.com/news/16-brands-that-have-fanatical-cult-followings.html?page=1

Thomas Suarez is a 6th grade student at a middle school in the...

Wed, 20 Jun 2012 10:00:00 -0700

Thomas Suarez is a 6th grade student at a middle school in the south bay of los angeles. when Apple released the Software Development Kit (SDK), he began to create and sell his own applications. he’s started a club for fellow students at school, where he shares his knowledge of programming.

Thomas articulates his vision that students are a valuable new technology resource to teachers, and should be empowered to offer assistance in developing the technology curriculum and also assist in delivering the lessons.

Thomas has been fascinated by computers and technology since before kindergarten. recently, he’s been focused on the development of applications for the iPhone, and has established his own company, CarrotCorp (http://www.carrotcorp.com/).

seeing this kind of initiative and creativity at such a young age is thrilling for me… i love seeing children dive into the things they really enjoy. the current public school system is so good at squashing their interests and this should be just another piece of evidence for an educational revolution!

Morley is a los angeles based street artist whose aim is to act...

Tue, 19 Jun 2012 01:32:02 -0700

Morley is a los angeles based street artist whose aim is to act as a friendly voice amongst the cacophony of billboarded messages and corporate slogans. his voice was also given a face when he began including an image of himself in each of his pieces, looking to create a more intimate relationship between the artist and the audience than many of his anonymous contemporaries could allow.

(these were the two that i felt fit me the best.)

http://iammorley.squarespace.com/

So, the video above is of Helen Fisher, biological...

Sat, 16 Jun 2012 14:01:00 -0700

So, the video above is of Helen Fisher, biological anthropologist and professor at Rutgers University speaking at the ted conference in February of 2006.

Below is also a more recent interview with her on betterworldbooks.com about her newest book:

http://blog.betterworldbooks.com/wp-content/uploads/HelenFisher2909.mp3

I’m going to synthesize everything I’ve learned from listening to her talk over the course of the past 2 days.

Generally, almost all of Dr. Fisher’s research can be considered what she likes to call PGO (a penetrating glimpse of the obvious). I liked this term so much, that I might just add it to my daily vocabulary. It means, that almost everything she has studied did not result in novel findings that almost everyone doesn’t already know to some degree. But, there is something so powerful about defining and understanding even the obvious.

“we struggle all our lives to know a few basic things about ourselves that the most casual passerby could tell us in a minute”

Her initial research is on romantic love and what exactly happens in the brain when someone is in love. She conducted an experiment with 32 people who were madly in love. 17 who were madly in love and their love was accepted and 15 of who had just been dumped. She ran them through a functional MRI brain scanner to see which areas of the brain show activity while looking at their loved one versus a neutral image (with a distraction exercise in between).

Her key findings boil down to the fact that there are three different stages of attraction:

1. Lust or the Sex Drive

2. Romantic Love

3. Attachment

Lust or The Sex Drive (The Intolerable Neural Itch), evolutionarily is meant to be the initial step to set foot on the ‘mating’ scene. It is what gets a person up on their feet and scanning the population for potential partners. This is a very quick to react emotion, something you could feel when sharing just a look or a moment.

Romantic Love (Elation), Dr, Fisher explains, evolved so people could focus their energy on one mate at a time, priming them for reproduction and conserving mating energy. It is also NOT an emotion, it is a DRIVE. The same brain region that becomes active when you feel a rush of cocaine becomes active in people who are thinking about the person they are in love with. Love is like a ‘craving’ and comes from the motor part of the brain, like when you really want that piece of chocolate.

People in love attribute special meaning to their loved one and focus on them with a unique intensity. People in love aggrandize their lovers, are sexual possessive and obsessed. Every person Dr. Fisher put through the fMRI said they would die for the one they loved.

“love consists of overestimating the differences between one woman and another”

- George Bernard Shaw

Attachment (Security), evolved so, once in love, people could then tolerate each other long enough to raise a child with them.

Each of these three stages are independent from one another and therefore explain how we might love more than one person or feel deep attachment for one person but love someone else and then also feel sexually attracted to others.

Dr. Fisher then moves on to what she believes are two very impactful events on these systems of attraction:

1. Women moving BACK into the work force – Dr. Fisher explains that as women move into the work place they are actually moving closer and closer to the dual-family income of the past. In hunter and gather days women would commute to ‘work’ and gather about 60-80% of that evenings meal. With the increased usage of the plow, women’s role began to take a back seat to that of the man. With this shift back to dual-income we return to the ‘Symmetrical/Peer Marriage’ model.

2. The increasing usage of anti-depressants - anti-depressants actually raises levels of serotonin and suppresses the dopamine circuit and therefore the chemicals needed to create romantic love. When we have an orgasm there is a flood of dopamine (associated with romantic love), oxytocin and vasopressin (associated with attachment). Anti-depressants also eliminate the sex drive and without sex drive there is no orgasm and without orgasm humans are unable to fall in love or make attachments.

The next step in her research involves shedding light on why we fall in love with certain people verses other. Now, thinking about the age-old discussion about nature and nurture, each human being is made up of their character (experiences) and their temperament (biology). Dr. Fisher attempts to help the human mating process by helping us understand our TEMPERAMENT. How our temperament is shaped by our experiences, however, is unique to each individual.

The 6 Chemical Systems and their 4 Personality types:

1. Dopamine and Norepinephrine – The Explorer - risk taking, novelty seeking, optimistic, enthusiastic, and energetic. Interest in traveling and adventure.

2. Serotonin – The Builder - traditional, conventional, calm, social, networkers, managers of people, loyal, like rules and schedules. Values family tremendously.

3. Testosterone – The Director - analytical, logical, direct, exacting, technical skills, math, computers, engineering, mechanics, aggressive, competitive, ambitious, debate, emotionally contained, (apparently they don’t move their faces when they talk all that much). See as intellectuals, geeks or nerds.

4. Estrogen and Oxytocin – The Negotiator – see the big picture, holistic, imaginative, great verbal skills, companionate, emotional expressive, and artistic. Their main goal in life is to follow their passion. They are also huge readers.

Additionally, depending on what systems you are ruled by you are attracted to a certain chemical system in a partner. The general matching patterns are as follows:

Explorers are generally attracted to other Explorers

Builders are generally attracted to other Builders

Negotiators, however, are attracted to Directors (and vis versa)

Generally Builders and Explorers tend to dislike each other. Explorers and Negotiators are most concentrated in big cities, whereas Builders are most often found in the suburbs. Directors are found more so in the mountains.

And lastly another nugget of interesting information, when in the womb all humans are washed over by both Testosterone and Estrogen (called priming) in this process if you have a lot of testosterone priming, it will make you logical, mathematical, and give you ‘Director’ like qualities. It will also make your ring finger longer than your pointer. Check it out! It’s totally biologically sound!

If you would like to take her test, to find out what combination of the chemical systems you are here is the link:

http://www.chemistry.com/whyhimwhyher/

instant boost of energy and optimism: 1. get in your car 2....

Fri, 15 Jun 2012 08:28:27 -0700

instant boost of energy and optimism:

1. get in your car

2. drive somewhere (most likely to or from work)

3. play ‘take me to the river’ by the talking heads as loud as your ear drums can handle

4. sing, dance, and use your steering wheel as as a drum pad

5. don’t look out the window because people are probably staring at you (unless you like that sort of thing)

… i promise, it works every time…

Imagine A Story

Thu, 14 Jun 2012 23:45:00 -0700

ever since i was young, i’ve never had a problem falling asleep. in fact, it’s quite the opposite. i can pretty much fall asleep anywhere and sleep through just about anything. my mother always tells this story about the first time we went to iran when i was three. we had a 20 hour lay-over in Germany and so she hopped on a bus to see a friend for the day. she claims that i was asleep, draped across her shoulder, the WHOLE. ENTIRE. TIME. i mean, honestly, i imagine this situation and i think to myself how kind my mother must have been. if i had been in her shoes - i would have woken me up! three year olds are heavy god dammit!

i also remember that as a child i used to actually enjoy the process of going to sleep, i didn’t really fight it much like other kids. i enjoyed all the wonderful things that were associated with ‘bed time’, mostly, i looked forward to the fact that bed time equaled story time. my mother claims that, on average, she had to read me about 7 books a night before i would finally fall asleep (again, seems my mother had a bit more patience back in those days).

when i went to live with my dad, bed time got even more exciting. sometimes instead of just reading me a story, he would actually tape record the reading session. this made me overly excited to talk and interact during the story so i could hear myself on the recording the next day, i always got a kick out of it.

my father would read to me every night without fail. on some nights he was more tired than on others; and as my father was the parent i inherited my stubborn narcolepsy from, on those nights where he was particularly tired, he would begin to fall asleep mid-reading. as i would be avidly reading along with him i would catch him when he would start to fall asleep and mumble weird mechanical engineer talk instead of the magic school bus. i found this so amusing that i found myself hoping i would catch him mumbling scientific jargon to himself while on tape so i could have him listen to it in the morning.

my dad also taught me how to pray at bed time. sometimes he’d even let me lead the prayer. it wasn’t a very special prayer, it just had a few very important components - (1) you had to thank god for food & water, shelter, clothing, safety, and the people in your life. (2) then you had to ask god to help poor people and people without all those things we had. (3) lastly, you could ask god to help you with anything you felt you needed help with. i remember once asking if he would help me get a new bike (hey, i was a kid, cut me some slack).

as i got older, it came to my attention that my parents seemed to think i was too old for story time. starting around the age of 9 i began putting myself to sleep. i developed a technique that i still use to this day. i would close my eyes and imagine a story, sometimes i would simply relay a movie that i new well in my head, scene by scene (my movie of choice most of the time was Mrs. Doubtfire). other times, i would change the scenes of the story and insert myself as the main character. into my teen years i would start imagining scenarios where the boy i liked, liked me back and professed his love for me (hormones were raging ok?!). i might also create scenarios where i was a famous singer or an actress. if nothing else, it made my imagination run rampant. i truly believe that if i didn’t fall asleep so quickly ever night i may have been able to write some pretty damn good children’s books from my bed-time-mind-story exercises… what a pity.

…there’s a drumming noise inside my head, that...

Wed, 13 Jun 2012 11:26:17 -0700

…there’s a drumming noise inside my head, that starts when you’re around
i swear that you could hear it, it makes such an all mighty sound…

ever since i began learning about developmental psychology and...

Tue, 12 Jun 2012 19:45:00 -0700

ever since i began learning about developmental psychology and educational reform, all the research points to the fact that children can teach themselves given an autonomous learning environment. and this video really proves this to be true. a MUST WATCH, for everyone. here are my notes:

children want to be independent, and when they all have the same thing that they have to do when it comes to learning, it’s really hard to be independent. and even if you give them all these different ways to do that homework or learn that material, in the end, it’s like saying ‘inside this box, you can be independent’, it breeds a false sense of autonomy and therefore, does not stimulate a true thirst for knowledge.

in 2010, Sam Levin, a student at monument mountain high school, noticed that all of his peers were unhappy, and studying material that meant nothing to them, so he decided to start his own school, within the walls of his current high school. he recruited a few other students and they began the independent project. the way their school works is as follows:

1. the children will spend the first half of the day doing general academics.

a. if they are focusing on the sciences this week, they will each brainstorm a question both in the social sciences and in the natural sciences, with help from the whole group to refine the question. then each child will spend the rest of that week exploring the answer to their question. on friday, each child will teach the rest of the group about what they learned.

b. if they were focusing on math or reading, each member chose a topic or a book and everyone would read them and reconvene for a book club over tea to discuss their findings on friday.

2. the second half of each day is spend on an individual endeavor. each member of the group will choose a project that interests them and spend the whole semester working on it. this would be a large project, for example, building a boat, writing a novel or making a film.

the premise itself just plays on my heartstrings. this is the epitome of effective learning. each child in the group is given a tremendous amount of responsibility to uphold their portion of each week’s lesson. however, by instilling in the group this sense of agency, where each child is in the program willingly, even when they are struggling, allows them to learn and act out of a deep personal motivation. they feel like leaders. each child in this program learns three very valuable skills (among many others, of course):

1. to learn – each child has to gather information, absorb it and process it.

2. to teach – then they are all expected to teach this information to the rest of the group and make sure everyone understands it. not only does this disseminate information across the whole group but also makes for a stronger grasp on the material and instills a sense of ownership and expertise.

3. to work – to conduct applied learning activities the children needed to search for resources, materials interact with faculty and create environments for learning.

an interesting observation about the program is that it not only attracted smart children but also children who were really struggling and never believed they were capable of feeling smart. together, each kid was able to sprout curiosity in every subject, where prior to joining the independent project, one student may have had a strong affinity towards science but not towards math. however, once exploration becomes relevant to their own interests, the students were able to find something that they found interesting within each core subject. THIS is probably the most important aspect of this project. Essentially, it is a two-pronged system. Students are given the ability to pursue topics that already interest them enough to invest many hours making themselves an ‘expert’. but ample time is also given to exploring other topics where nuggets of interest had not yet been found. in this manner the children are learning to love LEARNING as an act in and of itself. this is the recipe for creativity and intellect, the ability to both specialize and have a multi-dimensional breadth of knowledge all at the same time. AAA-mazing!!

a few inspiring quotes from the video:

“you can’t achieve the broader goals – making people into readers, making people love ideas, love conversation, love knowledge and want to get good at things if you don’t make school a place where kids want to be” - Susan Engel (professor of psychology at williams college, director of program in teaching)

“how can you teach someone about the world if you are isolating them from it” - Matt Whalan (independent project : wrote a novel)

“when it comes to a decision where i’m sitting at home and i have on one side of my table a stack of trigonometry homework and on the other side of my table, some tapes that i want to upload and make a movie out of, i’m stuck with a decision, where i either push aside my creativity to struggle on something i simply don’t care about or i can go with my creativity and i do awful in school.” - Peter Boyce (independent project: made a short film)

“this thirst for knowledge has come up, i notice in my train of thought, that when a subject comes up that i don’t know about, instead of glossing over that and going on to something else, i truly find myself wondering ‘what is that about’, i could learn about that, and in that way, you are finding questions in everything.” - Peter Boyce

“i feel more confident about myself, i can gather information on my own, i don’t need tests or quizzes, i know it, i know that i know it and i know that i can express myself through it” - Patrick Lacey (independent project: culinary arts)

http://theindependentproject2012.blogspot.com/

Opportunity Cost of Going to The Gym

Mon, 11 Jun 2012 23:34:00 -0700

since moving to los angeles at the age of 18, my awareness of my body and the way i look have exponentially increased. i’ve also become aware of the fact that as a woman, there are tremendous benefits to being in the top 10% of what the majority of the population considers ‘attractive’. yet, there is a point of diminishing returns where if you happen to be too ‘attractive’ sometimes this can be held against you as people may not take you seriously and begin to define you solely by your looks. however, i’m pretty confident i won’t be reaching that peak any time soon, so no need to panic.

nevertheless, soon after realizing these fun facts about the female form, i began, where my father always dictated that i begin any research endeavor - Google. with the help of Google, a diet and exercise class in college and a friend of mine who was helpful enough to accompany me to the gym once, i began down the path to a more ‘healthy’ lifestyle.

however, what i’ve noticed about the gym is, there is an immense opportunity cost. there are so many other things i could be doing with my time that one might consider to be more fruitful or mentally stimulating. when i’m standing in the weight room surrounded by all the ‘regulars’ i can’t help but think that they are sacrificing valuable mental stimulation to be here, all in the name of being ‘attractive’.

but what keeps me coming back to the gym (and to yoga) is that i do see the value in physical health. i believe it gives me energy, helps me have confidence in the fact that i will be able to live to a respectable age, boosts my self confidence, and i guess it just makes sense to take care of your body, it’s not just a mode of transportation for you brain you know?! but, everything in moderation. ‘har chizi hadi dareh’ (translates to: ‘everything has its limits’) as my dad would say.

The Names of Love

Mon, 11 Jun 2012 18:27:00 -0700

and so we stumble upon another thing i love - film.

movies, good movies, are the perfect glimpse at experiences, lessons and novelties in pure observational form. movies are like watching other peoples’ lives behind a 2-way mirror. i am able to see emotion on the actors’ faces, read their body language, and incorporate yet one more lens to the many in which i see my world through.

today i watched a movie called - The Names of Love (Le nom des gens). it is a french film made in 2010, written and directed by Michel Leclerc.

**if you are actually going to WATCH this movie because i recommended it, well then, watch it, and THEN come read the rest of this post, i don’t want anyone blaming me for ruining the movie for them**

now, where was i. ah yes, so the movie is about a half-arab half-french girl named Baya. her father was an arab who witnessed french soldiers kill his family members in Algeria and happened to marry a human-rights-activist-hippy-french girl. Baya was unfortunately molested as a child by her piano teacher and ends up becoming a prostitute of sorts who sleeps with right-wing men to convert them to her left-wing beliefs (which she feels strongly about mainly due to her hippy mothers influence). She meets this forty-something year old man named Arthur, who is not a right-wing (so no need to sleep with him for political reasons) but she happens to fall in love with him after a series of events. Arthur has his own story, he is a veterinarian who specializes in dead animals and the spread of disease. his mother, a jew, was saved by an orphanage in france when her parents were sent to Auschwitz, which makes Arthur half jewish and half french. he however, does not identify with being jewish and is frankly all around uptight.

but he meets Baya and she changes his world, she breathes excitement into his life, shows him how to experience passion and enjoy life. she has an affinity towards animals and forces Arthur at one point to buy 7 crabs at the market, take them to the beach and set them free.

the most beautiful moment in the movie is regarding Baya’s father. he is a handy man but his passion is in art. he is too humble however to believe he is deserving of doing art all day, he never pursues his passion and is utterly more caring about everyone else other than himself. when Arthur realizes he loves Baya he makes up a story and tells her father that all the paintings in his office were stolen and if he could paint 30 new ones for him. Baya comes home to her father painting these beautiful paintings and looking so happy and so she realizes she loves him (girls, this is when the water works come out).

i suppose the reason i liked this movie is because i love the idea that Baya is so absolutely bizarre in her actions and the way she lives her life, when it comes to her personal ‘resume’, per say, she doesn’t look like the best catch in the sea. but she is beautiful in all that she does, despite what she as been through. and a man so completely different from her is able to see her beauty and find a common ground. it’s pretty amazing if you think about it.

… music as expression of emotion …

Sun, 10 Jun 2012 11:11:31 -0700

… music as expression of emotion …

My Modified Only Child Experience

Sun, 10 Jun 2012 10:46:00 -0700

i grew up an only child. only children are interesting. originally, psychologists studying birth order marked only children as being spoiled, bad at sharing and collaboration, and starved for adult attention. luckily, recent research tends to be less unkind. only children learn people skills predominantly from their parents and seem to resemble super firstborn children - ambitious, articulate, perfectionists and leaders. they are also noticeably more comfortable with adults than with children their own age.

now, you’ll have to take my word for it, but i definitely wasn’t spoiled nor am i bad, or was i ever bad, at sharing and collaboration. however, i have always preferred the company of people older than myself, they got me on that one.

as much as it’s interesting to point out our similarities as only children, what’s even more interesting to me, are each person’s individual circumstance that help modify our shared ‘only child experience’. for instance, in my case, i believe i developed two very distinct personalities - one between the ages of 1-15 years old and one between the ages of 15-18 years old:

1. my only child experience (1-15 years old):

between the ages of 1-3 i had a very traditional only child experience, all attention was on me. my mother didn’t work and therefore, she spent every waking moment attending to my every need. our home was one big playground, every sharp corner was covered, every floor was adorned with sesame street blankets in case i might fall, and all television shows and all music played in the house were my choice and my choice alone.

however, once my parents divorced, their focus shifted, not in a drastically noticeable way, i was still receiving plenty of attention. yet, now there was this new elephant in the room - my parents hatred for each other. it always loomed in the background, stealing attention away from me, making me invisible and, at times, repulsive. i became a walking reminder to each of my parents of how much they disliked the person i seemed to resemble.

so, i stopped receiving the undivided attention i used to have and i began to explore both the positives and negatives of being more or less - alone. many days i’d come home from school to an empty house, i’d blast the music, watch tv (even though i was instructed not to, but who was going to rat on me, no one!), i’d prance around the house dancing in front of mirrors, i’d eat when i wanted, do my homework when i wanted, it was nice to have control. but, on those days where my mother would get angry and bring me to the point of tears, there was no one to run to, no one to hug me, no one to remember how i felt and what i went through. but i did become independent, whether i liked it or not.

nevertheless, i did retain my upward looking mentality. i looked to adults (teachers in particular) for companionship. i was always searching for the comfort and safety adults provided, they always had so many stories and life lessons to share and unlike children my own age who required a collaborative effort to really be interesting, interacting with adults allowed me to do what i do best, observe, absorb and process.

2. my oldest child/pseudo-mother experience (15-18 years old):

at the age of 15, my mother had another child, my brother (technically he is my half-brother, but i find that term unrepresentative of how i feel about him, so i don’t use it). however, circumstances forced my mother to go back to work pretty quickly following his birth, and his father, for other reasons, was also not around. i began to take on responsibilities that were oddly grown up - pick up your brother from day care, make him food, feed him, change his diapers, put him to sleep, feed him medicine, get him ready for bed. and slowly i began to form a different part of my personality - a maternal instinct. i was still too young to really feel like a mother, but too old to feel like a sister.

as a result, i developed a distinctively two pronged personality. to this day, i enjoy being the younger mentee, learning from those older and wiser than myself. i also quite enjoy recieving attention and being a leader. but my interactions with people younger than me are more motherly and protective. i feel this intense urge to protect them, to guide them and to offer advice.

See Me

Sat, 09 Jun 2012 09:45:00 -0700

when i moved in with my mother at the age of 7, the lessons life was teaching me shifted from the academically focused environment my father had created for me to lessons about people and human interactions. i spent a good deal of my elementary, middle and high school career being ‘made fun of’. and the time i spent at home was best used figuring out my mother and her never-ending list of things that set her off and trying my best to avoid them.

i came to learn that most people view others through a filter built of their own life experiences, they run each person through the mental equation consisting only of the variables they find valuable, shedding light on areas they find important and dimming the light on aspects of people they either don’t know or don’t care to know. this also predetermines the other person’s actions, it prejudges them for their mistakes and makes really learning about who they are that much more difficult. even now, people will see my actions and work backwards to define what they think that means about me. and in this way, they think they have me figured out, like people who read a book, stop half way, read the last page, and move on. people are always skipping over who i really am.

nevertheless, i wasn’t a depressed child, nor was i sad or ‘shy’, per say. i think it just made me an observer. the best way for me to evaluate a situation and help myself figure out the most effective way to proceed was by watching the ebbs and flows of the human dynamics going on around me. as time passed, this mentality stayed with me, and i still see the world this way. and the most valuable benefit of being an observer is, that when you begin to see people, like really see them, in almost every case, they are beautiful.

i can watch people for days, watch their movements, their facial expressions, their body language, and i fall in love with every single one of them. what i find most fascinating is when i see people engulfed in their passions, when they are truly interested and their eyes light up and something deep inside them begins to reach out. i love catching people off guard, watching the way their faces move when they are really deep in thought. i thrive on moments where people are so natural they are flawless in the game of being themselves, they just do it so well and with such grace. and they make it look easy.

however, as the observer, its hard to allow the process to happen to me, to allow myself to genuinely be seen and admired. it pains me to be natural, for being natural for me means i have to forget about the people i am so intently observing. i guess this ultimately makes it hard on people to get a good look at me because i’ve always spotted them first. and as i ponder on their lives and what makes them who they are i find myself lost somewhere in the background. and that’s when I wish i could turn it off, just for a moment, to be natural and effortless, to forget about the world, forget about all the different people I could be watching and extracting their stories and their beauty. sometimes, I wish I could see the beauty in myself, yet… I can’t help but want someone else to see it first.